I grew up thinking that having it all meant being a successful working woman, married with children living happily. We would live free of any financial worry and disappointment and we would have enough time to achieve "it all" all the time. Seems reasonable doesn't it?!?
I was raised in a home where my mom stayed home with us and my father would provide for the family financially. Unfortunately my father battled alcoholism and had a difficult time working. There were many times where my parents didn't have enough money for the very basics like food, electricity and shelter. We did not have it all... I would tell myself that when I grow up my life will be different - I would make different choices.
Then in school I learned that women did not always have choices or the chance to do it all. And that there were many women before me that worked hard for us women to have rights and "have it all" and I was going to do just that.
I firmly believed that I would go to college, find a great job that I loved and work my way up the corporate ladder. I would later get married, have kids, take my maternity leave and then hire a nanny or drop my kids off at daycare every day. And I would be happy with this.
I firmly believed that I would go to college, find a great job that I loved and work my way up the corporate ladder. I would later get married, have kids, take my maternity leave and then hire a nanny or drop my kids off at daycare every day. And I would be happy with this.
Then I had my daughter. And everything changed. I found that I didn't want to leave my baby with anyone else. And so, after the birth of my daughter, I worked part time from home. I did not have a nanny or sitter come in and watch my child - instead I worked around my daughters schedule. This worked great when she was young and took several naps a day. I found that balancing work and mommy life was fairly easy. However as she got older it became more difficult and I became more and more frustrated. I felt like I was drowning in my work and irritated with my daughter if she didn't nap when I needed to make a phone call. I then became frustrated at myself and wondered what was wrong with me. Why couldn't I do it all? I began asking myself, "can I have it all and still be happy?"
I realized that I needed to make a choice. I needed to either be full time mommy or work and let someone else take care of my kids so that I could do my job and do it well. It wasn't until after the birth of my son that I quit working all together. It really sank in that I could not be the parent I wanted to be if I was working. It was really difficult for me to not only give up all that I worked so hard for but to also let go of "having it all". I felt like I was letting down all those women before me who worked so hard for me to have it all. And that if these women thought that it was important for me to have a professional job and be a mother then I should want that too. And so I gave up. I wouldn't "have it all".
And then it finally dawned on the mommy brain I have that I needed to ask myself what "having it all" really means. I discovered that the image of "having it all" in my head was not only unattainable but it was darn right crazy thinking. I realized that I could still have it all. I would just need to redefine what "having it all" means to me. Today it means being satisfied with the life I now have. It's having the choice to do what is best for me and my family and that it can change as we go through the different phases of our life. I have a hard working and loving husband, two healthy children, a nice home, food in the pantry, gas in the car and the ability to do lots of things.
I am thankful for the feminist women before me. And I have not let them down by deciding to be a housewife and stay at home mother. They have allowed me to have a choice in what I want to do with my life. And what I choose to do today might not be what I choose to do two years from now and that's okay because right I "have it all".
xo - neisha
